RIP Betty White

Betty White died, which we all hate. That’s just not how we’re used to living. Without Betty White. No. Most of us hadn’t spent a day in this world without Betty White, but now babies have been born that have never spent a day on Earth with Betty White (don’t trust those babies). She died on December 31st, 2021. Considering the years she’d lived through, it’s scary to think that 2022 was the year that she was like “No, not for me. Hard pass.” Of course, Betty White couldn’t see the future, she typed, unconvinced. 

Deaths like Betty’s are hard for the reasons all the others aren’t. Her life wasn’t cut short. She achieved everything. We told her we loved her. And yet…we’re still not okay that she died. Hmm, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but it’s really starting to feel like everyone is going to die and it’s always going to be bad. Just…feels like the signs are pointing that way. The investigation is ongoing.

To gain control over aging and dying, we infantilize the elderly and we’re worse with the dead. We want to think the Golden Girls are reunited in heaven so we just ignore the fact that Betty White and Bea Arthur couldn’t stand each other. We’re happier thinking they’re together and, frankly, we’re what matters now. Hey, you know what? If they don’t like it, they shouldn’t die so much. If you’re just learning from this post that they didn’t like each other, that’s really on you for not reading Rue McClanahan’s autobiography My First Five Husbands And The Ones That Got Away. Rue tried to explain her costars’ differences diplomatically, but on some level it just comes down to “this town isn’t big enough for the both of us” and you know what? It wasn’t. We’re gonna need a bigger town. 

[For her part, Betty claimed she had no problem with Bea and didn’t know why Bea didn’t like her. This gives Timeless Popular Girl Energy that really cuts right through the whole infantilized elderly or dead thing. She was a person, you see. She said shit like that. Ok, Betty, if you say so.]

When my mom was sick I’d occasionally put questions on Facebook about truly random stuff that, looking back, was an attempt to connect to people. My mom’s illness was isolating, in part because she didn’t really want to broadcast the severity of her illness, in part because people don’t really believe you even if you tell them, but mostly it was the whole “my mom was dying of cancer” issue. I’d post innocuous stuff, hoping to connect. Wow, searching for human connection online against the tide of loneliness way back in 2018? Looks like somebody's an influencer! By far, my post that got the most interaction was “What the Golden Girls joke do you think about every day?” People from every strange corner of my past emerged to answer. Maybe no one knew why I needed them to do that, but on some level, yes they did. In the language of Golden Girls, people reached out and made me less lonely. You know, there’s a theme song about people like this.  

Vicki Lawrence, who you might know as a sketch performer from The Carol Burnett Show or as the titular Mama of Mama’s Family or you might know from nothing, what with the mercurial nature of fame (remember those babies who have never shared air with Betty White?), said that Betty White’s last word was “Allen.” Allen Ludden was the host of Password and Betty’s husband until his death in 1981. She never remarried. “Allen” is likely an unusual last word, so it’s certainly a testament to their bond, either because it actually happened or Betty wanted you to think it did. Choose to believe whichever one you think is more romantic. I recently -- truly for no reason -- watched Vicki Lawrence interviewing Carol Channing on her short lived early 90s talk show. I share this 1) as a cry for help 2) to let you know: I’m down with Vicki. I’ve been a Vicki fan, but now I really respect Vicki because I think that’s a story Betty wanted us to know. Ultimately, she wanted us to remember her remembering Allen.

Unlike me and you, Allen Ludden never saw The Golden Girls. I wonder if this bothered Betty White. If she was ever like “I wish he’d seen when I pushed the little girl out the door and grabbed the teddy bear” or maybe losing a husband made it easier. Maybe it’s like “well my husband’s dead so if the original Yente The Matchmaker wants to be a bitch today, go for it!” Or maybe it was just nothing; something she never thought about. 

I used to say “Shady Pines, Ma” to threaten my mom when she was annoying me. It thought is was sooo funny to parrot a middle aged woman threatening her elderly mom to be sent to a retirement home when I was an elementary school kid and my mom was in her 30s. And I’m glad I did it then because I’m not going to have an elderly mom. My mom isn’t going to Shady Pines because because she’s dead and also because it’s fictional. So there's a minimum of two obstacles. I’m glad I said it then. And you know what? It was funny. 

So now we just mourn the Golden Girls forever I guess.  They were people who had family and friends and they were actors who produced other great work  (Mannequin, etc), but that’s not how I think about them. To me, they’re the Golden Girls.  It’s not the truth. It’s just how I remember.

RIP Betty. RIP Rue. RIP Bea. RIP Estelle. 

“You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” — Rose Nyland